


Muggle Potions

by JBankai89



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Drug Use, F/M, Humour, M/M, Mild OoC, Oneshot, PWP, Top Remus, crack!fic, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 11:29:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6954703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JBankai89/pseuds/JBankai89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is having trouble performing for Remus. Lily has a muggle solution. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Muggle Potions

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first foray into proper wolfstar where I don't just vaguely hint at it, and Voldemort never happened because reasons. This is also my first serious attempt at humour, while trying to keep it from getting too stupid. Not sure how well I did, but we'll see. I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> 100% forgot to put this here, added 16/08/2016: This story is based on an episode of the American version of the TV show Queer As Folk. The idea stemmed from them, not me. I just...messed around with it a bit. (Shame on me for claiming all the credit v.v)

Muggle Potions

 

Sirius Black groaned, and fell bodily onto the end of the bed. “Jaaaaaaames, I hate being an adult.” He rolled over, only to have his flatmate rest a bare foot against his side, and push him off.

“You have your _own room_ Sirius, go nap there. Lily's coming over soon and whenever you're in here you two talk and I don't get to have _any_ fun. Go away.” Sirius had started climbing back on the bed, but James shoved him unceremoniously off again. “Seriously Padfoot, piss off.”

“You're no fun. I'm having a serious, genuine life crisis and all you can tell me is _piss off_? Some friend you are.” He grinned at Prongs, who rolled his eyes.

“Oh, are we having another sleepover?” Lily's head poked into the room, and she smiled at the pair. Sirius smirked, and he distinctly heard James mutter, ' _balls._ '

“Lily, I'm having a life crisis and your dear James Potter is being absolutely horrible to me. I don't know _how_ I can go on.” He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and fell onto the bed, bouncing slightly when he landed.

“Oh I'm sure,” she laughed and joined James, who was still staring Sirius down with a silent _piss off_ look, which he was all too happy to ignore. “What's the problem?”

“Well it's Moony,” Sirius began, and James rolled his eyes.

“When is it ever _not_ about Moony with you?” Sirius smacked him.

“Silence peasant. I'm telling your dear woman about my problems, since you refused to listen.” Lily covered her mouth to stifle a giggle, and even James managed a small smirk.

“Well, it's Moony _and_ this whole being-an-adult thing. I'm just so tired after Auror training that I'm not conscious enough to get it up! It's a real problem.” While he was being absolutely serious, Lily and James did not seem to see this as such a big crisis as he did. “ _And_ we're supposed to have a date tonight. If I can't perform I'm _certain_ my darling, precious Moony will leave me for someone with a more active libido. It's a real crisis.” He turned to face his friends, and they were wearing expressions that varied from irritation to amusement.

“Oh yes, a _real_ crisis,” James snorted and twitched his head in the direction of Lily, a clear hint of _go away Padfoot before I liquify you_. He ignored him.

“Oh!” Lily jumped up, eyes round. “I think I've got _just_ the thing. Wait here!” She darted out of the room, and with a sharp _crack_ she was gone.

“If she doesn't come back I'm hexing you,” James muttered, throwing a pillow over his head. Sirius snorted, but within thirty seconds the redhead was back, running back into the bedroom and shoving a small bottle into his hands. It was made of a strange white bendy material, with a white label. He read it, his brow furrowed.

“What's this?” Lily grinned in a very James-esque way.

“It's kind of like a Muggle potion. It's called Viagra. It should _definitely_ keep you, er, _up_ for the evening.” Sirius lifted and turned the little bottle in his hands. It rattled as though it was filled with small sweets.

“This will really work?” He didn't know much about Muggle potions, aside from what he'd heard from Lily—all he really knew was that they worked slowly.

“It may take some time, but yes, it's made for...well, octogenarians. If it works for them, I'm _sure_ you'll be fine.” Sirius smirked, and stood up.

“Thanks Lily,” he grinned and bent in to kiss her cheek. She blushed while James glowered at him. In an effort to keep James from hexing him into next week, he quickly took his leave. He felt the silencing charm go up the second he cleared the threshold, and almost laughed.

Back in his own room, he fell back onto the creaky mattress and lifted up the little bottle and tilted it from side to side, reading over the instructions by the fading sunlight. He shook the tiny bottle again, and it still sounded to him like sweets, not some kind of potion. Would this even work? He had his doubts.

 _Well, what have I got to lose?_ Sirius shrugged, opened the bottle, and fished out one of the little blue tablets. He choked on the bitter taste as it hit his tongue, and he chased it down with a conjured glass of water. Not thirty seconds later he heard the sputtering of the Floo, and he stood up and headed out to the sitting room to see who it was.

Remus's head was resting in the flames, but Sirius's broad grin faded a little when he saw that Moony wasn't smiling. “What happened?” He suddenly didn't feel like going though the whole song-and-dance of beating around the bush, waiting for Remus to get to the point. His constipated expression was enough to tell Sirius that he was planning on cancelling.

“Mum's sick. Nothing life-threatening, but I should probably stay with her tonight, at least until the influenza potion kicks in.” Sirius grimaced while Moony pressed on, “I took some too, and I'll see you tomorrow instead, all right?”

“Fine,” he mumbled, trying to not let his disappointment show on his face. “I'll see you tomorrow. Hope your mum feels better.” Remus cracked a smile, and with a small _pop_ he was gone.

Most unfortunately, the moment Moony had gone was the same moment the Muggle potion decided to kick in. “Fuck,” Sirius grumbled, looking down at his painfully constricted member, straining against the tight jeans. “What the hell am I supposed to do now?” He glared at his John Thomas, feeling decidedly betrayed. Somehow, this seemed worse than the accidental erections he'd get _just_ around Moony during their time at Hogwarts.

There was nothing for it. Grumbling and being well aware that it was too early to go to bed, he stomped to his room and slammed the door. Shedding his clothing in record time, he grabbed his lotion and a photo album marked _Moony._

 

~*~

 

Saturday morning dawned cool and bright, and Sirius felt much more well-rested than he had in a while. Stretching and slowly sitting up, his morning calm faded at once when he noticed a distinct tenting of blankets around his groin. _I'm going to murder Lily_.

Throwing on the baggiest dressing gown he owned, he padded out into the flat, where James and Lily were talking quietly and eating breakfast on the floor in front of the fire. “Lily, dear?” Sirius said from the hall, leaning against it as casually as he could without giving away his unfortunate predicament. She looked up and grinned at him.

“Morning Padfoot!” She jumped up and hurried over. “Have a good night?” She quirked a curious eyebrow.

“Er, no, actually. Moony cancelled.” Her jovial expression faded a little, then he added as innocently as he could in a whisper,“how long is that stuff you gave me supposed to last?”

“A couple of hours, why?” James had gotten up to see what the fuss was about. Sirius hugged his robe tighter.

“ _I still have an erection!_ ” He hissed the words in an urgent rush, feeling his face heat a little as James stopped right behind his girlfriend.

“What do you mean you still have an erection?” James snorted and doubled over with laughter at Lily's words.

“Thank you _Daily Prophet_ ,” he glared at her, and she had the good grace to smile apologetically, while James continued to laugh. He shoved the little bottle back into her hands. “It's been almost twelve hours and it hasn't gone down. _What am I gonna do_?”

“Cold shower?” Lily offered.

“Think of your mother!” James grinned.

“Maybe something you find totally unappealing, y'know, sexually?”

“That's a great idea, Lily! Show him your tits.” Lily cuffed him upside the head.

“Go get dressed Sirius, I'll take you to a muggle hospital and we'll get this sorted.”

 

~*~

 

“That's quite the boner you got there m'boy,” the muggle healer pulled at it slightly, and it bounced back into place, as erect as ever.

“Nothing like the opinion of a trained medical professional,” Sirius sniped sarcastically, shooting Lily another glare from the other side of the partition. James had choked at the healer's words and shuffled out to compose himself. She seemed to be bordering between wanting to laugh and genuine concern.

“But doctor, er...why won't it go down?”

“Difficult to say my dear, my best guess is a blood clot to the penis...” Sirius felt his knees go weak. _Blood clot_?

“Well, it's better than a blood clot to the brain!” She said the words too cheerfully as James rejoined them, clearly still fighting down an urge to laugh.

“Yeah, unless you think with your—” Lily's glare shut Prongs right up.

“What can I do about it?” Sirius looked down at the healer, pleased that he managed to keep his voice steady.

“Wait for it to go down, there isn't a whole lot we can do in these situations...” The healer prodded at the tip of Sirius's erection with his muggle quill, and he jerked back, giving the man a dirty look.

“Wait for it to go down? And how long will that be?”

“Week? Month?” Lily added in helpfully.

“Year?” James chimed in rather unhelpfully.

“Isn't there something...I don't know...more er, high teak you could do?”

“High _tech,_ Sirius,” Lily corrected, while focusing on trying to keep James from bursting out in a laughing fit again. If the healer found anything strange about the exchange, he didn't show it.

“Right, that.” The healer paused, cupping his greying, stubbled chin thoughtfully.

“Well...I could slide two long needles up the shaft, and use those to drain the blood...” Sirius felt rather sick, what kind of healers _were_ these barbarians?! He jumped in before the healer could go any further.

“I—I think the waiting is a good idea. Yes, I've got the patience of a _saint_.” Both Lily and James snorted.

 

~*~

 

“What am I supposed to do now?” Sirius grumbled as he shrugged out of the muggle jacket and hung it up, before falling back onto the sofa, his cock still in a state of stage-one red alert.

“We could try scaring it,” James said in the most serious voice he could muster as he stepped over to his flatmate. He leaned over Sirius's crotch, “ _Boo!”_ He rolled his eyes.

“You are _not_ helping.”

“What about Moony?” Lily asked, as she stepped over to Sirius, pointedly _not_ looking at the distinctive bulge under his jeans. “I'm sure he'd be happy to help you—er— _work out_ your problem.”

“He's still with his mum,” Sirius crossed his arms sullenly and looked up at the ceiling.

“Did you even tell him what the emergency was?”

“Of course not!” Sirius sputtered, sitting up and glaring at Lily, “how could I say, 'Hey Moony I was so desperate for a shag that I took some weird muggle potion and now I have a cock in a state of permanent salute?'”

“...because it's _true_?” James snickered, and Lily elbowed him. Frustrated, he stormed off to his bedroom.

 

~*~

 

Sirius's Saturday would perhaps have been easier to get through had it not been James believing it was his life's mission to be an even bigger pain in the arse than usual. By lunchtime, he had planted himself outside of Sirius's bedroom with his acoustic guitar, and decided to serenade Sirius.

“ _Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?_

_Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?_

_It's swell to have a stiffy,_

_it's divine to own a dick,_

_From the tiniest little tadger,_

_to the world's biggest prick!”_

 

“You can shut up any time James!” A laugh met his words, and James pain-in-the-arse Potter pressed on.

 

“ _So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,_

_Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,_

_Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,_

_Your percy or your cock,_

_You can wrap it up in ribbons,_

_you can slip it in your sock—”_

 

Sirius groaned and shot a silencing charm at the door.

 

~*~

 

By sundown it had been a near full twenty-four hours and Sirius was starting to wonder if the muggle healer's needle idea wasn't so awful after all. A soft tapping on his door made him groan. He was going to _kill_ James. “Sod off Potter!” He yelled, not bothering to get up from his position on his bed.

Ignoring his yell, he heard his door creak open. Annoyed, he shot up in bed and whirled around, “ _I said piss—_ oh, hey Moony.” He felt himself flush, thankfully most of it was hidden by the darkness of the room, but he still instinctively pulled a pillow into his lap to hide his 'problem'.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure if it was his heightened quasi-permanent state of arousal or if it was some sort of werewolf pheromone thing, but Moony looked _good._ His brown hair delightfully tousled and face flushed from the outside chill, and dressed in his favourite tatty brown cardigan and sinfully tight jeans. He was smiling in his familiar—and adorable—placid manner, and if he had any idea what was going on, he didn't let on.

“I received a rather distressed owl from Lily, practically begging me to come over.” He stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him as he spoke. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, close enough for Sirius to feel the heat that practically radiated off him. Sirius's eyes flitted suspiciously to the closed door.

“Is James still here?”

“No,” Remus chuckled a little, “Lily dragged him off to some muggle film.”

“Thank the Gods,” he groaned and buried his face in his hands, then raked his fingers through his hair a moment later. “I swear, another hour and I would've murdered him.”

“Yes, I gathered. I believe Lily had the same worry that you were getting ready to kill him.” He smiled and rested a hand on Sirius's thigh, and he felt a faint shiver run through him. “Now...can I see?” There was an amused glint in Remus's eye, but unlike with James, it didn't leave him feeling mortified. Still, Sirius hesitated.

“What did Lily tell you?”

“The whole delightful story,” Sirius felt himself go red again, but Remus only chuckled. “Come on,” he tugged gently at the pillow, a grin twitching at the corner of his mouth, “I wanna see.”

Looking away from the laughter in Moony's eyes, he moved away the pillow. His cock was still as hard as it had been all sodding day, but with only Remus to see, it didn't seem as bad. The moment he had pulled away the pillow, he heard the werewolf inhale sharply, and he leaned forward to press an open palm to the distinctive bulge.

Sirius groaned, tilting his head back at the contact. He'd wanked an embarrassing amount of times in an effort to satisfy the erection over the course of the day, but Remus's hand pressing into him even through the fabric—it was fucking amazing.

Moony climbed into his lap, his knees planted on either side of Sirius's hips. He tangled his fingers into Sirius's hair and drew him in for a kiss. Sirius felt swept away by the dominating _demand_ of the contact, nothing like the mild-mannered young man his friends _thought_ they knew. He reached up and grabbed fistfuls of the cardigan, holding Remus close while he lifted himself slightly off the bedspread to grind into his lover.

An animalistic growl reverberated inside his mouth, and in one swift movement he was pinned down. Sirius groaned as Moony broke the kiss, his teeth and lips scraping along his jaw and down the side of his throat, while his hands moved down to his waist, pushing the shirt he wore up his torso. Sirius lifted himself off the bed just enough to aid Remus in its removal, and saw it fleetingly as it disappeared over his shoulder.

Sirius slid up into a sitting position, Remus still perched in his lap, and their mouths locked together again. Sirius's fingers worked feverishly at the buttons of that infernal cardigan. Remus shrugged out of it, chuckling at Sirius's huff of frustration as he began to work at the buttons of the shirt he wore underneath. Did the man _really_ need so many damn layers?

Moony finally shrugged out of the fitted, dark brown shirt, and Sirius moaned at the sight before him. Lean, corded muscle under tanned skin, decorated with the thin, pearl scars of his...problem. Sirius reached forward and traced his fingers over the scars, and Remus trembled under his touch. His infuriatingly stubborn stiffy still strained against his jeans, but somehow it lost some of its importance when Sirius was faced with the delectable morsel that was Remus's bare flesh.

He leaned in, and bit gently at the curve of his clavicle. A shiver ran though his partner at the touch, and while his mouth worked at the skin of his upper chest, his hands pressed firmly into his abdomen, slid down slowly, and rested briefly over Remus's own jean-encased hard-on before unclasping the fly with swift, deft movements.

Moony groaned, burying his face in Sirius's shoulder, the sparse stubble tickling his bare skin as his hand closed around the werewolf's cock. “ _Gods_... _Sirius..._ ” the soft keening of his voice made Sirius groan, his hand jerking and twisting over him. He managed only a few brief pulls before Remus groaned, and pressed a hand to his shoulders, forcing him down and capturing his mouth in another hungry kiss, his hands moving to roughly grab Sirius's wrists, pinning them over his head.

Sirius groaned at the contact, shivering under Moony's manhandling, but not minding it in the least. He shimmied out of his trousers and undergarments one-handed, the other hand holding Sirius down quite effectively, Remus's mouth still locked on his. Sirius groaned, squirming under his hold halfheartedly, bucking his hips in an attempt to get Moony to _do_ something other than kiss him into an arousal-fuelled stupor. Remus chuckled against his mouth, and _finally_ released Sirius's wrists, both hands moving to the buttons on his jeans.

Soft gasps escaped them both as they continued to kiss, their mouths pink and swollen from the force. Sirius moved his hands to clutch at the broad shoulders of his lover, while Remus's hand dove into the front of his jeans, moaning into Sirius's mouth as his hands closed over Sirius's agonizingly painful erection. Sirius met the vocalization with one of his own, arching his hips into Remus's exquisite touch.

The lack of contact with the bed enabled Moony to yank off the obstructive garment, Sirius kicking off the bunched up denim when it pooled at his ankles. In Sirius's moment of distraction, Moony broke the kiss and flipped onto his stomach in one swift movement, eliciting a gasp of surprise from Sirius, rather than one of lust.

In a moment, his vocalizations shifted to ones of pleasure, as he felt Moony's warm chest against his back. He could feel the distinctive press of his lover's erection pressing against his thigh, but for the moment, he made no move except to gently brush Sirius's hair out of the way and plant a warm kiss against the back of his neck. His hands rested on Sirius's hips, rubbing the flesh he found there, continuing his exploration of his neck with and the back of his shoulders with tongue and teeth, seemingly oblivious to Sirius's near-painful need. He whimpered, a hand ghosting towards his cock, but Remus promptly swatted it away. “Be a good boy,” Remus breathed into his ear. Another shiver ran through him.

At long last, Sirius heard the incantation he had been hoping for, and he watched his favourite bottle of lubricant zoom across the room and directly into Moony's hand. With the delightful sensation of Remus's tongue and teeth laying claim to his bare flesh, he felt the push of lube-slicked fingers against his hole. Not that he really _needed_ to be prepared, given their usual sex life, but Remus's constant worry of hurting him was still endearing. And of course, the preparation itself was _far_ from unpleasant.

Sirius groaned, bowing his head forward at the feel of Remus's exquisitely talented fingers, paired with the wonderful sensation of his tongue and teeth skittering across his shoulder. He felt his cock twitch and he shivered in anticipation. A second finger joined the first, and Remus scissored them every alternate thrust, while Sirius arched his back and moaned, moving with the fingers buried deep in his arse.

His keening moan was cut short as the bluntness of Moony's cock replaced it, the split second of nothingness making Sirius nearly whip around to protest. Remus held him fast, shuddering as his thick cock passed the ring of muscle, and slid in smoothly. Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius's waist, and pressed his chest into his back, while his chin rested on Sirius's shoulder. His breathing was laboured, the faint perspiration that coated both of them making their skin cling together, though not uncomfortably.

Slowly Remus began to move, Sirius rocking on his hands and knees in time to his movements, his breath coming out in soft, short gasps. Behind him, he could hear Remus whispering a string of profanities under his breath, too softly for him to catch. He shifted so that he was gripping at Sirius's hips, his fingertips biting into the skin hard enough that Sirius was certain there'd be marks in the morning.

The first brush to his prostate caused him to swear and moan simultaneously, the choking sound that resulted making his lover chuckle, and pick up his pace. “ _Yes, yes..._ ” he breathed the words as Remus pounded into him, “ _Gods, Remus!”_ He groaned, and reached for his cock, and this time Remus didn't stop him.

It took a pitifully short time for him to climax, grunting as he blew his load over his bedsheets and his hand, while Remus came a moment later. The werewolf slumped forward, and the sudden dead weight broke Sirius's stance, and they both tumbled onto the sticky bedcover.

For a moment, Sirius's brain was too fried and his body too exhausted to move, much less think coherently. Unfortunately, Moony rolling off him and snuggling into his side seemed to bring his back to his senses. He rolled over to face him, then looked down. Never before had he been so thrilled to see his flaccid cock. “ohthanktheGods,” he said in a rush, burying his face in the crook of Remus's neck. His partner chuckled, and pulled him in closer.

They lay in silence for a while, the gentle sounds of the city lulling them into a state of sleepy relaxation. Remus was propped up against the pillows, while Sirius napped comfortably, his cheek pressed against his lover's thigh. Remus's fingers trailed absently through his hair, and he knew he would fall asleep soon; it had been a long day.

“I just have one question,” Remus murmured, his fingers still stroking his hair in an absent, comfortably familiar way.

“Hmm?” Sirius doubted he could form real words in that moment.

“Why didn't you just use the libido potion that's in your cabinet?”

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: (end) Song lyrics are from The Penis Song (Not The Noel Coward Song) from Monty Python Sings by Eric Idle.


End file.
